Friday, February 4, 2011

New life, New blog

Hello people! I'm back, I'm married and I have a new blog. Please follow me to my new home!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Games Duggars Play... or Sit on the Bench and Watch

Summer is the time for warm weather, hot dogs, baseball, and Duggar-Bobs. Not really, but I couldn’t think of a good lead in to this blog, so I went with it. Anyway, tonight’s episode was largely centered around the Duggar’s visit to Arvest Ballpark to throw out the first pitch, and I can tell you that I pretty much watched the first time to make sure that I wasn’t caught on camera stalking them. However, the second time I watched, I documented my randomness into this neatly bulleted blog. You’re welcome.

• The show opens with Joseph-Bob mowing the massive amounts of acreage on the Duggar Bob property. I sense that Jinger bob the laundry goddess has some competition for least favorite child.
• Michelle-Bob (who appears to be growing out her bangs and sporting traces of makeup) explains that because they have so many people in their family, it’s important to keep the floor clean of bacteria. No, it’s important for EVERYONE, regardless of family size to keep the bacteria clean. It’s because of these ignorant ideas that we have swine flu. Thanks Michelle Bob.
• Ever the athletes, the Duggar-bobs hit the Jones Center for a spirited game of broomball. John David-Bob explains the rules to us, and then basically says that they break all of the rules. I’m totally disillusioned.
• Josh-Bob and Anna-Bob get ready for a Dr’s appointment, and we see that they have an iPhone and iPod alarm clock. Wow, the merchandise at the local consignment shops has certainly improved recently.

• The Duggar-Bobs head to the ballpark for their PR opportunity. Jim Bob explains that they’ve been invited by the Springdale Naturals to visit. No, you’ve been invited by the NW AR Naturals to visit. Thanks for playing. This should be entertaining.
• We’re treated to a sports montage which includes a rare glimpse of Michelle Bob’s arms and legs in her carnal days as a cheerleader. (As if we needed a reminder that she was once a harlot before Jim Bob saved her soul and introduced her to generic keds and long denim skirts). Jim Bob also mentions that he used to play basketball, and pretty much sat on the bench the whole time. I’ll give you a moment to pick your jaws up off the floor….
• The Duggars hit the batting cages, which basically means JB tosses the baseball and then runs away like a scared little puppy when the ball is hit his direction. This leads to the following conversation:

JB: “Well honey, it doesn’t look like I’m gonna be a baseball player anytime soon…”
MB (clearly reading a script and giggling) “that’s ok, you’re batting 1000 with me!”
Duggar bobs: “awwwwwww”
Amber (me): BLECK… (gagging noises… searching for a bucket)

• All is well as they recover enough to throw out 20 first pitches all at once. This basically means that they pelt Strike, the creepiest mascot ever (seriously, was a clown not available??) with line drives. I’m ok with it. Strike needs to be put out of his misery.
• Jim Bob, ever the sportsman, feels that it’s necessary to explain the rules of the game to the kids, especially the girls. From the likes of the conversation I’m pretty sure he should’ve consulted the rulebook himself first. The conversation goes a little something like this:

“The pitcher throws the ball to that other guy. If the ball isn’t right over the base, then that’s a foul and this guy doesn’t have to try to hit it. If he gets 4 fouls, then he gets to go to first… actually I think that’s called a ball. Oh look this one here might be a homerun.”

And with that bit of baseball knowledge, I’ll leave you to go to sleep with visions of Duggar bobs dancing in your heads. Also, here’s a look at me in front of the Duggar Bus on the night this episode was taped. That’s right, I stalked their bus…. And I’m sharing that proud moment with all of the internets.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Television with a purpose....

I came home tonight and got started watching “Hoarders” on A&E. Turns out this will be yet another “car wreck” show where even though I’m disgusted by it, I just can’t stop watching. Just to give you a glimpse, one lady was a food hoarder. Sadly, this is because she was crazy poor once and didn’t have a choice in what she ate. Somewhere down the line, the desire to have choices warped into hoarding food from 5 years ago in the pantry. It was the most revolting thing I think I’ve ever watched, and as we all know I have pretty low standards. Seriously, they used shovels to scrape the rotten food off of the floor. When the professional cleaner in a hazmat suit/mask leaves the room gagging, you know it’s bad. I was convinced at one point that I had somehow obtained smell-o-vision in my duplex, as I too found myself gagging.

Somehow in the process of watching this overwhelming display of nasty, I realized that this show really made me feel better about myself. In some bizarre way, I can watch and then proudly look at myself in the mirror and say “hey, you’re not so bad after all.” Self serving? Yes, but who cares really. I also came to realize that this is not the first time I’ve found myself reassured by my viewing choices. Other examples of my television reassurance include:

**before we start, I’m gonna have to ask that you stop judging me now…. I’m trying to be transparent here. ***

• Trading Spouses: because no matter how you trade it, there’s a whole lotta crazy out there, and I’m not married to any of it.

• SuperNanny: because even though I may be childless, when I see a 7 yr old beating the tar out of his mom or yelling from the upstairs toilet to “wipe his A**” childless is looking pretty amazing.

• SuperNanny (2): I have pretty great clothes, and none of them include anything that resembles that horrid purple Worthington suit she wears from the local JC Penney.

• Springer: because everybody has the crazy in her family. I’m just thankful I’m one of the lucky ones who doesn’t put hers on the front porch for all the neighbors to see.

• The Bachelorette/Bachelor: because even though my dating life seems to stay in the proverbial toilet, I do not feel that I have exhausted all options in favor of going on national television to let millions witness that humiliation. Also, I would never go near the hot tub in those mansions. Seriously, do they hand out penicillin at the door?

• Oprah: because I may not be a bazillionaire, but I don’t need my own magazine cover to have an epiphany that I’ve gained 40 lbs. Also, I can get excited about things and raise my voice without sounding like I belong on a Jerry Lewis Telethon.

• Jon and/or Kate plus 8: Because even though my ex may be a big douche, even on my worst day I don’t appear to have a rabid porcupine resting on my head and I would never freak out over melted ice cream.

Last but not least…….

• 18 Kids and Counting: because my Cabbage Patch bangs grew out 20+ years ago, my hypothetical children don’t have phonetically spelled names (jinger), my also-hypothetical husband doesn’t have hair that’s lacquered more than a Ken doll, and most importantly, when I sneeze my lady parts do not submit to the gravitational pull of the earth.

There ya have it…. More randomness than one blog should hold. This is also more proof that I shouldn’t be allowed out of the house without my Adderall, and I definitely should protect the public-at-large from the inner recesses of my random little pea brain!

Good night all!

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Tug of War: Regaining Control, and Relinquishing the Reigns

So it's probably not necessary to explain that I've been on a blog hiatus lately... for 7 months to be exact. To be honest, my life was just so incredibly hectic that I barely had time to breathe, much less blog. So naturally, I didn't. Ironically, I probably should have... I find the whole "bear your soul to the world" thing to be quite therapeutic in an odd sense. Regardless of how many journals I've kept in spite of the hectic pace of my life, it's just not the same. Maybe Mom was right, and I really DO need to be the center of attention all the time... haha. Anyhoo, I'm back. I have a huge break before my next school session starts, and I can't tell you how happy that makes me! I've been at this for a while, and I don't know when I've actually, truly NEEDED a break like I did this summer. Seriously, ask my family and they'll validate!

I've been thinking a lot over the last few weeks over the idea that God is my Provider, and how the meaning of that has evolved over the years. I'm ashamed to say that I never understood the meaning of "trusting God" until my divorce, when I was faced with situations I couldn't handle. Because of my finances, my provisional focus was monetary. God did provide in more ways than I can express. But what I didn't realize was that he was providing in so many more ways. My focus was so narrow at the time that I couldn't see it. Yes, I experienced a number of miracles financially but he also provided the comfort I needed, the peace I never imagined I could have, and strength beyond any of my own capabilities. Because of his provision, I not only survived the trial, but my life has thrived since then and throughout it.

I've said this a number of times before, but it bears repeating. Once you've been blindsided by a situation as I was, you go into this odd sense of survival mode...or at least, I did. Because I was so tragically unprepared for the worst in that situation, I wanted to make sure that I was prepared for everything. I became obsessed with controlling every detail of my life. I cannot tell you how many planners I've owned, how many calendars I live by, and how many lists I write before I make a decision. I'm always thinking about my future, and mentally preparing for what could or couldn't happen. All at once, it seems like the most logical and the most frustrating thing I do in my life. Over the years, I've noticed that this quest for control has grown greater and lesser depending on the situations that surround me. Sometimes it's easier to stop, and others it's not so easy. Regardless, it's something I'm conscious of, and wish I didn't do.

When I really start to think about it, it bothers me that this one event still has an effect on my life. I've worked hard to make sure that it in no way defined me, but it would've been impossible to prevent it from affecting me. I am above all things, most grateful for the disguised blessing of this trial, and the woman God has allowed me to be through it. I know that although unexpected and heart wrenching at the time, I wouldn't be half the person I am if it hadn't happened. I don't regret a single decision I made that led me to that point. I truly believe that the blessings outweigh the proverbial curse here. I just never thought I would still be giving it much thought this much later.

I find it frustrating that God has to teach me the same lessons over and over again. I'm also grateful that God is much more patient with me than I could ever be with anyone else. Seven years later, I'm still trying to plan, prevent and protect myself from the inevitable worst, and seven years later I still have to be reminded that even my best plans are nothing compared to the amazing things God has in store for me. No amount of worrying, scheduling, and budgeting will make God's plans for me unfold or culminate any faster than they would without my "help." Nothing I can say or do will change those plans either. You would think I'd learn that by now, but it seems a reminder is necessary. I have to remember that God has never stopped being my provider. Even though my circumstances have changed and improved drastically since those months during my divorce, I still need him just as much as I did then, only in a different manner. Just as he provided for me financially when I literally had nothing, he's there for me affectively today. When my strength dwindles, he is there to sustain me. When my worried mind keeps me up at night, he is my peace. When I am sad or lonely, he provides the most amazing people in my life to make me laugh and to give me the privilege of friendship. When I feel unloveable, he surrounds me with unconditional love that I cannot even fathom. He is now, and has always been my constant. I just have to learn to be more willing to trust that. Major work-in-progress here... Did I mention that I'm not a patient girl?


Monday, January 26, 2009

The Duggar Wedding: Love, Legos, and Leotards (preferably in a pastel color)

******Disclaimer**** 1 1/2 hours of Duggar-bob Nuptials makse for a REALLY long blog!!

If you live in NW Arkansas as I do, you no doubt noticed a shift in the atmospheric pressure a few months ago. While to the uneducated citizen these would be attributed somehow to global warming or simply the Arkansas weather that we love so dearly. However the chosen few who are “in the know” realize that it was in fact due to the fact that the eldest Duggar child, Joshua Bob was recently married, thus ending an engagement filled with frustration, akward side hugs, and hand holding sex. Thanks to the generosity of TLC, we got a peek at the festivities with 1 ½ hours of airtime tonight. Naturally, this begged for a blog, and left me with an even weaker filter than normal. So I’ll just apologize right off the bat to anyone who’s offended…. That’s all you get, otherwise I’d still apologizing when I’m 60.

First 30 min… Wedding Prep and Adventures in Fine Dining:

• We first learn that this is a mere 3 months after the engagement at the Putnam County House O Gator. I was shocked at first, then realized that their poor virginal hands probably wouldn’t have lasted under much more friction.

• Joshua Bob hauls his sisters to Florida with him to help Anna Bob with the wedding preparations. In the car footage, we notice that Jinger-Bob seems to be quite fixated on a giant jar of pickles, which would go to support my theory that she’s gonna be the one who ends up with a shot-gun wedding and subsequent stint in rehab later.

• I immediately realize that Anna-Bob’s giggle is the most annoying sound on the planet, and if they’re going to dress a like, she at least needs to buy a shirt that fits her.

• Anna-Bob has decided to take advantage of the free labor her betrothed has brought to her trailer, and begins to order her future sisters-in-law to commence sweat shop labor and begin assembling the bridesmaids dresses.

• Any shots of Anna Bob NOT in the brown striped shirt like Joshua Bob show her in an Arkansas t-shirt. I’m gonna have to ask her not to wear that anymore. Our state needs no more free advertising.

• Apparently Anna-Bob has made Joshua Bob a pillowcase with their picture on it. I’m wondering how this fits into the courtship scheme. Seriously, what circle of hell does that send them to if he has inappropriate dreams about her?! **cough** HARLOT **cough**

• Any pre-wedding shots of the couple show them holding hands up high to the camera, which is about as akward as anything I’ve seen. I have to wonder, is this their way of making Duggar porn?

**side note: Joshua Bob says that now his family no longer sees him as “Josh Duggar,” but “Josh in Love.” Per his request, he’ll be referred to as such for the remainder of this episode.

The Farewell Dinner, aka “My favorite Scene in Duggar Reality Show History”

You know how I always say that I love the camera crew on this show? They always seem to point out the fact that these people are painfully oblivious to the fact that they’re being ridiculed. Well, apparently they are not the only ones…..

Josh-in-love and Anna-bob decide to take his sisters to a nice dinner to thank them for their help. It is here that they encounter a waiter who has officially knocked cousin amy-bob the slut to #2 on my favorites list:

Things Josh-In-Love-Bob could be heard saying at dinner: (spelled phonetically for effect)
• “Oh wow, this is EYE-talian!”

• “Let’s see, I can order this… we’re from Tontitown…”

• “Well that’s FRAY-dough. I think that means cheese…”

• “We’re not used to restaurants with all the silver and glass, where you have to keep your napkin just right.”

• (in reference to the waiter) “He’s really eccentric” which I thought at first was a homophobic remark, but later realized was his failure to understand that he was once again the butt of a joke.

Moments of Hilarity from the Waiter:
• “I like to talk to my customers like family, but with this family they were a bit stand-offish… prolly because their family is so big already. Which is good, because I don’t really think I’d fit in on their bus so to speak. That’s unfortunate because I’m a big fan of bus seating

• “Well, I’ll be in the area, and I would like to participate in the ceremony… I do a lot of tantric dancing, with some sensual moves and I’ve got some skills.”

• “I do tantric dancing, usually in a leotard…probably in a pastel since that seems to work with my body type.”

• “Well I’ll see you there… I’ll be the one moving tantrically.”

• (referring to the first kiss) “I think that’s pretty weak. They should be past that whole first kiss thing by now. I just got mine like a week and a half ago.”

Meanwhile Back at the Church…

• Last minute preparations are being made, with some help from seemingly normal church ladies. This all-but dashes my hopes of bridesmaid’s dresses from the Laura Ingalls collection.

• Someone asks “hey what are you gonna do with the wagon?” Hello, stereotype.

And back home in Arkansas…

Jana and Jessa play a lovely duet on the piano and still find the time to pack the hockey bus, while Jim Bob and Michelle Bob supervise in between “cervical softening” sessions.

Hour 2: Life Lessons, and the Departure Time We’ve all been Waiting For….

• A quick shot of the church sign shows that they’re marrying at the Buford Grove Baptist Church, which seems to be entirely appropriate.

• Anna Bob has already taken her role as the submissive housewife, and is ironing Joshua-In-Love-Bob’s clothes while he walks around reassuring the crew that they really haven’t kissed yet.

• Cue the “showdown at the OK Corral” music when Jim Bob announces that he needs to have a talk with josh-in-love-bob. He leads him to the Jr. Church room where he hands him a silver present that contains presumably educational materials for the big night.

• J-I-L-Bob (I’m getting carpal tunnel typing that out every time!) reads the title of the first one, which has to be censored. WHAT?! Seriously, what did he say???

• Jim-Bob explains that book #2 was written by the man who did their pre-marriage counseling 20+ years ago. The title is something like, “101 ways to impregnate your wife and still keep her happy,” and I’m pretty sure it comes with a pamphlet full of suggestions on how to teach your own little football team to parent their siblings too.

• But seriously… Jim-bob launches into an incredibly akward explanation of how to get your wife in the mood, (and how women aren’t as instantly responsive as men are) I’ll be honest here. I was so uncomfortable that I may have blacked out a bit… please feel free to fill me in on anything immediately following that point.

• The HIGHLIGHT… occurred sometime after I regained consciousness, and noticed that Jim-Bob in a total loss for words finally says…. IT’S LIKE LEGOS, SON!!! I swear to you… I couldn’t make this stuff up. He further regretfully informs J-I-L-Bob that the book doesn’t have pictures. To which he responds “that’s ok dad, I don’t need pictures when I have a working model of my own, but this will keep me off of the cell phone most of the night anyway!” Ok seriously, he’s NEVER even kissed the girl, and he’s essentially rubbed the skin off of her hand for the past 3 months, and he’d still consider calling his father for advice?!

Here Comes the Bride…eventually

• So it’s finally the hour before the wedding, and we get our first glimpse of the Bates Bob family, (for the most part, sans prairie clothing) and……

• COUSIN AMY-BOB!!! Who is pretty much relegated to the back of the church, until she’s called upon to give her dear cousin advice on his first kiss. She orders “fireworks” and no lip-biting. The groom laughs, and later says that she was unhelpful.

• Amy-bob then is seen decorating the get-a-way car which was strictly against orders (because according to J-I-L-B, nothing better delay his departure time). She clearly doesn’t care, as she proudly shows the roll of Saran Wrap to the camera. She’s already going to hell, might as well make it worth the trip.

• Jim-bob (who until this point has been seen standing around and eating.. poor thing, his feet probably hurt again) has lost his dress shirt, and appears to be entertaining the idea of wearing his polo shirt under his suit jacket for the family photos. Really, what Duggar event would be complete without at least one male in a red polo shirt?

• The Bates Bob boys are sent to the saran wrapped vehicle to retrieve the wedding rings. They stand on each other’s shoulders to maneuver their way into the car without damaging the decorations. Impressive, I’m sensing a promising career in that “acrobats of china” show at Branson in the not-too-distant future.

• Shot of Jim-Bob eating again…. And Josh-in-Love-Bob getting crabs in a church closet

• Getting ready: Michelle bob says “I just realized this will be the last time I get to shave his neck for him” Really?? That’s all you have to say?

• The girls are all piled in the bathroom, and creating perfect hairstyles in a room that I would imagine wreaks of home made hair spray. Seriously, I’m concerned for the unity candle lighting, as it’s within a 20 mile radius of the restroom. After achieving hair perfection, they all but force Anna-Bob to wear makeup. She’s really freaking out over this one. Maybe Michelle bob should loan her the hot pink blush/lipstick combo…

• Shortly after, the Duggar bobs all pose for pre-wedding pics. This includes the bride and groom. All is well until Josh-in-Lust-Bob steps on Anna bob’s train and rips it off the dress. Easy J-I-L-B, your 15 seconds will be here soon enough…

• While observing the photo session, Jim Bob remarks that the wedding is pretty much for the wife, and even though it’s not necessarily enjoyable for the husband, he should play along to because it’s something she wants to do. Hmmmm let’s all take a moment and think of another area of the Duggar family where this idea might apply…. Like oh, 18 times and counting…

• Wedding begins, and there are several maids who appear to have bird habitats on their heads. Let’s just pray that the flock doesn’t poo on the bridal satin. Ironically, Michelle-Bob’s bangs look unusually tame.

• Amy-bob is in the back of the church whispering the play-by-play. I’m thinking she has a good shot at being a golf commentator. Also, Anna-bob explains her choice of Bridesmaid’s dress, saying she could make it for a little girl or a big girl, which makes me think that she’s implying Jinger-bob needs to go on a diet.

• After the LONGEST processional ever, the bride is given away by her father, and I notice that the boom and cameras are all draped in tulle. The bride and groom proceed to the platform arm-in-arm, which in Duggar-ville is basically 2nd base.

• The ceremony begins, and includes some really interesting words from the Minister which instruct the couple to allow God “to instruct them in the timing and number of their children.” And I thought Jim bob didn’t contribute at all….

• After a struggle with the ring (because months of hand holding sex makes a girl’s fingers swell…) the couple proceeds to the unity candle and Josh-In-Love begins to sing to her. I’m immediately reminded of the Duggar family field trips in the church bus where they sang Amazing Grace in 4 part harmony. They finish there, and naturally commence the akward side hugging.

And for the moment we’ve all been waiting for…. (and by we, I mean the 2 of you still reading…)

Both sets of parents join the couple on stage, and they all stand facing the congregation while hugging one another. (Let’s be honest, they look like the who-ville people singing around the Christmas Tree in the Grinch movie.) Jim Bob pronounces them man and wife, (because really, this day is all about him) and we all watch in wonder as the first kiss commences….



And FINALLY Hannibal Lector (seriously, I think he chewed her nose off...maybe that's why she didn't want to wear all the makeup!) ends the world’s longest kiss, and heads toward the reception so that he can get to the good stuff…

The reception highlights include:
• Several remarks by the Duggar children that Anna bob will have “love marks,” which in my best estimation means hickies..

• One of the Bates-bobs catches the bouquet, giving hope to young John David that he too can have hand-holding sex one day like his older brother.

• Cousin Amy-bob’s car antics do delay “departure time” a bit, but all is well when J-I-LUST-Bob pulls out the pocket knife

• Sadly, no sightings of the tantric dancer

The couple head to the local Super 8 where there are TLC cameras waiting on them. We see them in route, and notice that they are listening to the Duggar-bob’s marriage mentor via CD advising them that ““love involves close bodily contact, which involves the pleasure of seeing, touching and enjoying with all the senses…. Knowing each other in the most intimate sense possible. “

And they all lived happily ever after…..

Tuesday, December 23, 2008


Yes, folks, it’s finally here! Michelle-Bob has delivered her 18th little miracle, and naturally I found it necessary to blog in celebration. Seriously, I invited people over for a little impromptu gathering, and commenced in watching the episode. Somehow in the process, I lost my otherwise in tact filter, so I apologize in advance for any offense! HA! Warning, there was a lot of material here, so it’s a long one. Grab a coffee and settle in for a long winter’s blog, shall we?

Picking Baby Names

The family have gathered in the boys’ room, including Joshua-Bob (clearly married) and with Anna-Bob on his lap. This much PDA is just a little bit uncomfortable in the Duggar family. However, I’m happy to see that he does appear to be less frustrated than he was while enduring months of “hand holding sex” with his betrothed.

The second thing I noticed is that Jennifer Bob and Johanna Bob are toddling around in cute normal baby clothes, which makes me wonder, “at what age does a Duggar-Bob begin to dress like a polygamist?”

The family vote commences, and Joshua-Bob’s suggestion is Juanita. Again, he’s clearly partaken of his daily tater tot casserole serving today. Also, the youngest Duggar-Bob boy is seated at his mother’s feet, and I’m immediately concerned for his well-being. One sneeze, and they’re renaming this special to “and baby makes 17 again”

Jinger -Bob eye rolling count: 1

After a heartwarming scene that includes campaign signs and a “stuffing the ballot” statement that is just SCREAMING euphemism to me, Michelle-Bob goes to count the votes. She seems to be having difficulty with this task, which not only makes me concern for her ability to keep track of her growing brood, but also does explain the “Lost in NY” moment from earlier this season.

Keep Your Pants Buttoned, and Unnecessary Explanations

Now it’s time to go visit the hospital. We know this because Jim Bob has utilized the family PA system to call his children to the church van. He then notices that little James-Bob has lost the button on his jeans, and instructs him to keep his zipper up. Wise words to live by, Jim Bob. Perhaps you too should take heed.

Jinger-Bob Eye Rolling count: 4

Anyway, the church van pulls up to Mercy Hospital, and James Bob is still playing with his pants. Couldn’t they have stopped at the Thrift Store and get a new pair?

Jim Bob overly explains how “this is the place where momma will have the baby taken out of her belly” Two thoughts:

a) I’m pretty sure that they’re well educated on these matters already, thus making the explanation totally unnecessary
b) I’m also pretty sure that Jim Bob should have said “This is where we’ll bring momma in a few weeks if she doesn’t sneeze alongside a flat of generic corn in Aldi and lie her in swaddling clothes in a cart she rented for a quarter….”

Pelvic Reassurance, and a Today Show Appearance

Now, we get to meet the OBGYN, Dr Sarver; aka "the sucker we paid enough to deliver this kid and waive any right to malpractice” has apparently agreed to do a “v-back” delivery. Because if you’re over 40 and your plumbing is resting in your pantyhose between your knees, it’s natural that you would want to go ahead and take another risk during delivery.”

I’m struck by the fact that she’s taking great pains to be modest in the ultrasound process, but has invited all of America into the delivery room…hmmmmm Also, according to JimBob, Michelle-Bob has learned to work with her labor, which I find to be a good thing since working against it would pretty much be futile.

The culmination of the office visit is when Dr Malpractice informs the viewer that Michelle has a very strong pelvis. Whew… I was worried about that. Now I will be able to sleep tonight with this knowledge.

The next scene is in the kitchen, where the family are being interviewed by The Today Show. I’ve gotta tell ya, Joshua-Bob annoys me somehow. Every time he’s on camera, I get the feeling that he’s rehearsed his lines 15 times in front of the bathroom mirror. Also, kudos to Meredith Vierra for keeping the eye rolling to a minimum, however the same cannot be said to Jinger Bob, whose count is up to 6.

Baby Shopping, and a Mini-Soapbox:

Personal note: I have been in this store they are shopping. This is NOT a discount outlet. I was not alone in the room in wondering how they can do a show on how thrifty they are one week, and 3 weeks later spend 45.00 on a onsie?! Seriously, JingerBob and JessaBob are slaving away making homemade soap, while Jana Bob is perming her sisters’ hair for hours on end, but they walk away with a baby fur coat, matching hat, and boots. Something’s not right here. Thank you TLC.

Jim Bob says shopping wears him out. It makes his legs and feet hurt, In fact, he’s just done in 15 min. It’s really difficult to stand there and participate in that. Well, guess what Jim Bob?! I’m pretty sure that in the 13 years of her life she’s been pregnant, her legs and feet hurt, and she’d also like that little watermelon to be delivered in 15 min, but it just doesn’t happen. I’m also pretty sure that after 13 years, it might be difficult for Michelle Bob to “participate” in other activities in the marriage bed, but she continues without complaint, AND still home-schools the other Duggar-Bobs, makes you tater-tot casserole, and maintains the Cabbage Patch Kids bangs to perfection. So grab a rocking chair, hand over the wallet, and hush because we all know you’re not really paying for this junk.

Jim Bob then takes my advice, and notices the youngest Duggar-Bobs rockin out to music on children’s toys. (Seriously, we’re talking fisher price here) when Jim Bob starts to explain how they limit music choices because music can start to control you. I’m not kidding. Is anyone else alarmed that this man was once a State Representative??

Child-birth classes, and God’s Better Ideas…

Does anyone else find it odd that after number 18 they STILL attend birthing classes? I’m pretty sure that by this point numbers 10-17 have left directions on how to head out the fastest. Actually, I’m kind of picturing the Duggar womb (yeah sorry) as a sort of time capsule with graffiti. Maybe there’s a little bit of “take a left just before the scar tissue” and a little “Jedidiah-Bob was here” on the other side.

Anyway, the Duggar Bobs may be overachievers, but it’s clear that the other 2 couples in the room are not as amused. This might have something to do with the fact that the instructor (who is all but wearing her I heart JimBob button) begins the class by saying “wow, you two look round!!” Does this woman have a death wish??

The class begins working on labor positions, one which resembles a bull frog. While I’m comfortable with the other two “round ones” participating, I’m feeling like this is totally a game of Russian roulette with the Duggar Bobs.

Now for the high(low)light of the show, and for my personal maturity level. (I’m gonna have to include my friends who were watching in my living room as well) The instructor starts speaking about cervical softening (yeah I just dry heaved typing that one!) which totally peaks Jim Bob’s attention. She is trying to be discreet, but he just won’t let it go. The conversation culminates in her explaining that this is an incredible tool from God that means “incredible sex during pregnancy,” and is one of “god’s better ideas.” She instructs them to have fun, to which Jim Bob responds “BLESS GOD!” Yeah, we backed up the DVR for that one.

Happy Birthday Jordyn-Grace (deep breath) Mikaya-Bob Duggar!
The last 5 minutes of the show cover the actual birth of number 18. We see Michelle-bob packing AND calling the hospital, and Jim Bob tying his shoes. Yeah, his legs probably hurt a little, which is I’m sure difficult for him to endure. Oh and Grandma Duggar has made him breakfast, because he’s clearly the important one today.

Michelle calls the Dr’s office and says “I THINK I am in labor…” you THINK?! Yeah, um at this point you should know.

Jinger Bob eye rolling count: 10. She’s so over this now…

Good News: the baby is transverse, which for all of my fellow childless wonders out there means that she’s sideways. I actually knew this already because around July of every year, my mother reminds me that I too was transverse, but not delivered via C-section. As if reading my mind, I received a text from my dear mother that said “YOU were transverse!!!!” Seriously mom, it’s been 28 years… build a bridge.

After an annoying stint of JimBob and the camera in Michelle Bob’s face, Jordyn Grace Mikaya Bob is born. Note to Jim-bob: if you have to take a recovery breath before finishing your child’s name, you’ve officially got too many syllables. Please keep this in mind before naming number 19.

For the two of you who are left, congrats, and thanks for the perseverance. Now I’m off to sleep, where I’ll try to think of ways to rescue JingerBob from the cult before her eyeballs roll out of her head. If that doesn’t work, I’ll just set the DVR to record Celebrity Rehab: 2015, because I figure that’s when Jinger-Bob will make her debut. Jeff Conaway will be gone by then, and Dr Drew will be ready for a real challenge.

Good Night Jim Bob, looking forward to the Joshua-bob-gets-married episode!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Of Prairie Clothing and Paintball Guns....

We all knew it had to happen eventually. After almost exactly 4 months of hiding I have finally returned to the blogosphere. More on my absence later but tonight we have more pressing and important issues to discuss....the thing which tore me away from studying and homework…. The thing which made me realize that for once I had far too much to say and there MIGHT just be a few people gullible enough to read it. What is this thing you ask? Drumroll please…..

17 Kids and Counting

If you know anything at all about me, you know that among my many, many, minor obsessions lies my obsession with the Duggar family in Springdale. Just to fill you in, they have 17 children and are pregnant with number 18. Dad (Jim Bob) was a State Representative for a bit and Mom (Michelle Bob… not really but you laughed so it was worth it) raise their children, home school their children, etc all in the great state of Arkansas (insert stereotype here). Oh and just for kicks they named ALL 18 children with “J” names. I won’t list them all here, but you should know that there is also a Jinger (pronounced to most like Ginger, but I call her Jinger-Bob) and it took them all the way to number 17 to find a Jennifer, which I found to be quite hilarious.

Anyhoo… For a few years now TLC has produced several hour long specials about this family, and now they’ve seen it fit to bless us with 30 min weekly glimpses into the Duggar life. Consequently, I’m crazy excited and cannot stop talking about this. Seriously. I’m not kidding. I feel that I need to share my observations with the public-at-large, not because I think you want to read this, but more because I know that I will pretty much explode if I don’t get to share my thoughts. Translation: I’m single and living alone, and you get to listen to me because of it. Lucky you.

So last week focused on the Duggar value of “courtship” instead of dating. Joshua-bob (the oldest) has found his true love at a homeschool convention in Texas, and he’s flying to a Gator Restaurant in Florida (for real) to ask her to marry him. Here’s the catch: they cannot kiss until their wedding day. They also cannot be without chaperone until they are married. Cut to Joshua Bob popping the question which culminated in an akward side hug. The two like-birds (because love-birds would be far too carnal) then spent the remaining part of their time together (they traveled to AR too with her sisters in tow as chaperones) holding hands with such vigor that I’m pretty sure they removed skin from each other’s thumbs. During the course of this episode we also learned that Jim Bob and Michelle Bob (well I guess at the time she was just Michelle) went “too far” and kissed before marriage. I think I missed the next five minutes of the show just because I was shocked and in total disillusionment. Luckily I recovered to see the like-birds pick chaperones for their date (Jana-Bob and one other J-boy-bob took the responsibility from Jinger-bob because they had to be 18 to see the movie they were going to. Poor Jinger Bob. She always gets the short end of the stick… including laundry duty for 19 people.) OH and don’t think the irony wasn’t lost on me that they can’t kiss before marriage but they CAN go see an R-rated film. What’s gonna happen if they SEE unmarried people kissing? On second thought, I’m glad Jinger-bob doesn’t have to endure this pain.

Cut to this week in which the Duggar-Bobs welcomed the Bates-Bobs to Springdale for a visit. The Bates-Bobs have 16 children and choose to dress their blessings like children of a polygamy cult, only brighter. They’re also apparently here for 2 weeks, which I found odd and horrifying until I realized that it would most likely take that long for the Bates Bobs to unload, shower, change and repack the church buses for the journey home. Apparently EVERYthing is bigger in these kinds of families. To spare you brain cells and me carpal tunnel, I’m bulleting the rest of this week’s episode:

• The Duggars have a tour bus. Seriously. I’m resisting the urge to paint it like the Partridge Family Bus. They already play instruments, and Branson is 2 hours away. I’m sensing an entertainment opportunity here, and I’m gonna have to ask for 20% of the profits.

• Grandpa-bob Duggar doesn’t want anymore grandbabies. Let’s hope he has some real influence here. I for one don’t wanna be the unfortunate passerby in wal-mart when Michelle-bob sneezes and unfortunate medical mishaps follow. (fill in the blank for yourselves… even I can’t type that)

• Cousin Amy-bob is my favorite. She’s been in every episode thus far, and she proceeds to say on camera what everyone watching the show is thinking out loud. Furthermore, she parades around with her short hair and tank tops with a puppy who is better accessorized than all Duggar bob girls combined. I’m pretty sure she’s forced to wear a scarlet A or something at Duggar family events.

• The Duggar-bobs and Bates-bobs (with cousin amy-bob in tow) head to Branson to Silver Dollar City. Upon arrival, the Bates-Bobs realized that they’re dressed almost identically to the SDC cast members. How embarrassing. Thank god for the generic KEDS or they might have lost one or two.

• Cousin Amy-bob reminds the viewers at least 7 times that her ipod is her best friend because her cousins sing hymns in the car. She also asks the filming crew for prayers. I just love her.

• Paintball: because 33 children who know they can barely look at the opposite sex without tightening the lock on the chastity belt have no pent up frustrations at all and CLEARLY need guns.

• The Duggar Bobs go skydiving, and their instructor’s thick accent rivals that of the Governator. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I would think that understanding the instruction prior to jumping out of the plane is paramount. Also, while demonstrating the tandem techniques with Jim-Bob I’m pretty sure he violated some rules of courtship. (sorry mom)

• Note to Amy-bob: check the parachute again! This might just be the perfect time for cousin Jim bob to “cleanse” his family of all hoochiness if you know what I mean.

• Jim Bob takes his last few pre-jump moments to kiss Michelle-bob (and provoke envy in his male children who cant do the same). He also contemplates the likelihood of creating Duggar-bob #19 just in case he doesn’t make it. (PS he looks seriously green in the plane….quite entertaining)

Luckily, all 72 Duggar bobs survived the experience and will likely resurface next week. And for the 2 of you still with me after this novel, I’ll leave you with the image of both families (33 children, 4 parents, one unclean cousin and 2 fetuses) sitting in the living room singing Amazing Grace while TLC inserts slow-motion clips of skydiving, Silver Dollar City and Paintball wars. Life is good.

Good night Jim Bob!