The Duggar Wedding: Love, Legos, and Leotards (preferably in a pastel color)

******Disclaimer**** 1 1/2 hours of Duggar-bob Nuptials makse for a REALLY long blog!!

If you live in NW Arkansas as I do, you no doubt noticed a shift in the atmospheric pressure a few months ago. While to the uneducated citizen these would be attributed somehow to global warming or simply the Arkansas weather that we love so dearly. However the chosen few who are “in the know” realize that it was in fact due to the fact that the eldest Duggar child, Joshua Bob was recently married, thus ending an engagement filled with frustration, akward side hugs, and hand holding sex. Thanks to the generosity of TLC, we got a peek at the festivities with 1 ½ hours of airtime tonight. Naturally, this begged for a blog, and left me with an even weaker filter than normal. So I’ll just apologize right off the bat to anyone who’s offended…. That’s all you get, otherwise I’d still apologizing when I’m 60.

First 30 min… Wedding Prep and Adventures in Fine Dining:

• We first learn that this is a mere 3 months after the engagement at the Putnam County House O Gator. I was shocked at first, then realized that their poor virginal hands probably wouldn’t have lasted under much more friction.

• Joshua Bob hauls his sisters to Florida with him to help Anna Bob with the wedding preparations. In the car footage, we notice that Jinger-Bob seems to be quite fixated on a giant jar of pickles, which would go to support my theory that she’s gonna be the one who ends up with a shot-gun wedding and subsequent stint in rehab later.

• I immediately realize that Anna-Bob’s giggle is the most annoying sound on the planet, and if they’re going to dress a like, she at least needs to buy a shirt that fits her.

• Anna-Bob has decided to take advantage of the free labor her betrothed has brought to her trailer, and begins to order her future sisters-in-law to commence sweat shop labor and begin assembling the bridesmaids dresses.

• Any shots of Anna Bob NOT in the brown striped shirt like Joshua Bob show her in an Arkansas t-shirt. I’m gonna have to ask her not to wear that anymore. Our state needs no more free advertising.

• Apparently Anna-Bob has made Joshua Bob a pillowcase with their picture on it. I’m wondering how this fits into the courtship scheme. Seriously, what circle of hell does that send them to if he has inappropriate dreams about her?! **cough** HARLOT **cough**

• Any pre-wedding shots of the couple show them holding hands up high to the camera, which is about as akward as anything I’ve seen. I have to wonder, is this their way of making Duggar porn?

**side note: Joshua Bob says that now his family no longer sees him as “Josh Duggar,” but “Josh in Love.” Per his request, he’ll be referred to as such for the remainder of this episode.

The Farewell Dinner, aka “My favorite Scene in Duggar Reality Show History”

You know how I always say that I love the camera crew on this show? They always seem to point out the fact that these people are painfully oblivious to the fact that they’re being ridiculed. Well, apparently they are not the only ones…..

Josh-in-love and Anna-bob decide to take his sisters to a nice dinner to thank them for their help. It is here that they encounter a waiter who has officially knocked cousin amy-bob the slut to #2 on my favorites list:

Things Josh-In-Love-Bob could be heard saying at dinner: (spelled phonetically for effect)
• “Oh wow, this is EYE-talian!”

• “Let’s see, I can order this… we’re from Tontitown…”

• “Well that’s FRAY-dough. I think that means cheese…”

• “We’re not used to restaurants with all the silver and glass, where you have to keep your napkin just right.”

• (in reference to the waiter) “He’s really eccentric” which I thought at first was a homophobic remark, but later realized was his failure to understand that he was once again the butt of a joke.

Moments of Hilarity from the Waiter:
• “I like to talk to my customers like family, but with this family they were a bit stand-offish… prolly because their family is so big already. Which is good, because I don’t really think I’d fit in on their bus so to speak. That’s unfortunate because I’m a big fan of bus seating

• “Well, I’ll be in the area, and I would like to participate in the ceremony… I do a lot of tantric dancing, with some sensual moves and I’ve got some skills.”

• “I do tantric dancing, usually in a leotard…probably in a pastel since that seems to work with my body type.”

• “Well I’ll see you there… I’ll be the one moving tantrically.”

• (referring to the first kiss) “I think that’s pretty weak. They should be past that whole first kiss thing by now. I just got mine like a week and a half ago.”

Meanwhile Back at the Church…

• Last minute preparations are being made, with some help from seemingly normal church ladies. This all-but dashes my hopes of bridesmaid’s dresses from the Laura Ingalls collection.

• Someone asks “hey what are you gonna do with the wagon?” Hello, stereotype.


And back home in Arkansas…

Jana and Jessa play a lovely duet on the piano and still find the time to pack the hockey bus, while Jim Bob and Michelle Bob supervise in between “cervical softening” sessions.


Hour 2: Life Lessons, and the Departure Time We’ve all been Waiting For….

• A quick shot of the church sign shows that they’re marrying at the Buford Grove Baptist Church, which seems to be entirely appropriate.

• Anna Bob has already taken her role as the submissive housewife, and is ironing Joshua-In-Love-Bob’s clothes while he walks around reassuring the crew that they really haven’t kissed yet.

• Cue the “showdown at the OK Corral” music when Jim Bob announces that he needs to have a talk with josh-in-love-bob. He leads him to the Jr. Church room where he hands him a silver present that contains presumably educational materials for the big night.

• J-I-L-Bob (I’m getting carpal tunnel typing that out every time!) reads the title of the first one, which has to be censored. WHAT?! Seriously, what did he say???

• Jim-Bob explains that book #2 was written by the man who did their pre-marriage counseling 20+ years ago. The title is something like, “101 ways to impregnate your wife and still keep her happy,” and I’m pretty sure it comes with a pamphlet full of suggestions on how to teach your own little football team to parent their siblings too.

• But seriously… Jim-bob launches into an incredibly akward explanation of how to get your wife in the mood, (and how women aren’t as instantly responsive as men are) I’ll be honest here. I was so uncomfortable that I may have blacked out a bit… please feel free to fill me in on anything immediately following that point.

• The HIGHLIGHT… occurred sometime after I regained consciousness, and noticed that Jim-Bob in a total loss for words finally says…. IT’S LIKE LEGOS, SON!!! I swear to you… I couldn’t make this stuff up. He further regretfully informs J-I-L-Bob that the book doesn’t have pictures. To which he responds “that’s ok dad, I don’t need pictures when I have a working model of my own, but this will keep me off of the cell phone most of the night anyway!” Ok seriously, he’s NEVER even kissed the girl, and he’s essentially rubbed the skin off of her hand for the past 3 months, and he’d still consider calling his father for advice?!


Here Comes the Bride…eventually

• So it’s finally the hour before the wedding, and we get our first glimpse of the Bates Bob family, (for the most part, sans prairie clothing) and……

• COUSIN AMY-BOB!!! Who is pretty much relegated to the back of the church, until she’s called upon to give her dear cousin advice on his first kiss. She orders “fireworks” and no lip-biting. The groom laughs, and later says that she was unhelpful.

• Amy-bob then is seen decorating the get-a-way car which was strictly against orders (because according to J-I-L-B, nothing better delay his departure time). She clearly doesn’t care, as she proudly shows the roll of Saran Wrap to the camera. She’s already going to hell, might as well make it worth the trip.

• Jim-bob (who until this point has been seen standing around and eating.. poor thing, his feet probably hurt again) has lost his dress shirt, and appears to be entertaining the idea of wearing his polo shirt under his suit jacket for the family photos. Really, what Duggar event would be complete without at least one male in a red polo shirt?

• The Bates Bob boys are sent to the saran wrapped vehicle to retrieve the wedding rings. They stand on each other’s shoulders to maneuver their way into the car without damaging the decorations. Impressive, I’m sensing a promising career in that “acrobats of china” show at Branson in the not-too-distant future.

• Shot of Jim-Bob eating again…. And Josh-in-Love-Bob getting crabs in a church closet

• Getting ready: Michelle bob says “I just realized this will be the last time I get to shave his neck for him” Really?? That’s all you have to say?

• The girls are all piled in the bathroom, and creating perfect hairstyles in a room that I would imagine wreaks of home made hair spray. Seriously, I’m concerned for the unity candle lighting, as it’s within a 20 mile radius of the restroom. After achieving hair perfection, they all but force Anna-Bob to wear makeup. She’s really freaking out over this one. Maybe Michelle bob should loan her the hot pink blush/lipstick combo…


• Shortly after, the Duggar bobs all pose for pre-wedding pics. This includes the bride and groom. All is well until Josh-in-Lust-Bob steps on Anna bob’s train and rips it off the dress. Easy J-I-L-B, your 15 seconds will be here soon enough…

• While observing the photo session, Jim Bob remarks that the wedding is pretty much for the wife, and even though it’s not necessarily enjoyable for the husband, he should play along to because it’s something she wants to do. Hmmmm let’s all take a moment and think of another area of the Duggar family where this idea might apply…. Like oh, 18 times and counting…


• Wedding begins, and there are several maids who appear to have bird habitats on their heads. Let’s just pray that the flock doesn’t poo on the bridal satin. Ironically, Michelle-Bob’s bangs look unusually tame.

• Amy-bob is in the back of the church whispering the play-by-play. I’m thinking she has a good shot at being a golf commentator. Also, Anna-bob explains her choice of Bridesmaid’s dress, saying she could make it for a little girl or a big girl, which makes me think that she’s implying Jinger-bob needs to go on a diet.


• After the LONGEST processional ever, the bride is given away by her father, and I notice that the boom and cameras are all draped in tulle. The bride and groom proceed to the platform arm-in-arm, which in Duggar-ville is basically 2nd base.

• The ceremony begins, and includes some really interesting words from the Minister which instruct the couple to allow God “to instruct them in the timing and number of their children.” And I thought Jim bob didn’t contribute at all….

• After a struggle with the ring (because months of hand holding sex makes a girl’s fingers swell…) the couple proceeds to the unity candle and Josh-In-Love begins to sing to her. I’m immediately reminded of the Duggar family field trips in the church bus where they sang Amazing Grace in 4 part harmony. They finish there, and naturally commence the akward side hugging.

And for the moment we’ve all been waiting for…. (and by we, I mean the 2 of you still reading…)

Both sets of parents join the couple on stage, and they all stand facing the congregation while hugging one another. (Let’s be honest, they look like the who-ville people singing around the Christmas Tree in the Grinch movie.) Jim Bob pronounces them man and wife, (because really, this day is all about him) and we all watch in wonder as the first kiss commences….
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BREATHE PEOPLE !!!
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GET A ROOM!
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And FINALLY Hannibal Lector (seriously, I think he chewed her nose off...maybe that's why she didn't want to wear all the makeup!) ends the world’s longest kiss, and heads toward the reception so that he can get to the good stuff…

The reception highlights include:
• Several remarks by the Duggar children that Anna bob will have “love marks,” which in my best estimation means hickies..

• One of the Bates-bobs catches the bouquet, giving hope to young John David that he too can have hand-holding sex one day like his older brother.

• Cousin Amy-bob’s car antics do delay “departure time” a bit, but all is well when J-I-LUST-Bob pulls out the pocket knife

• Sadly, no sightings of the tantric dancer

The couple head to the local Super 8 where there are TLC cameras waiting on them. We see them in route, and notice that they are listening to the Duggar-bob’s marriage mentor via CD advising them that ““love involves close bodily contact, which involves the pleasure of seeing, touching and enjoying with all the senses…. Knowing each other in the most intimate sense possible. “

And they all lived happily ever after…..

WELCOME BABY 18... THIS JUST NEVER GETS OLD!

Yes, folks, it’s finally here! Michelle-Bob has delivered her 18th little miracle, and naturally I found it necessary to blog in celebration. Seriously, I invited people over for a little impromptu gathering, and commenced in watching the episode. Somehow in the process, I lost my otherwise in tact filter, so I apologize in advance for any offense! HA! Warning, there was a lot of material here, so it’s a long one. Grab a coffee and settle in for a long winter’s blog, shall we?

Picking Baby Names

The family have gathered in the boys’ room, including Joshua-Bob (clearly married) and with Anna-Bob on his lap. This much PDA is just a little bit uncomfortable in the Duggar family. However, I’m happy to see that he does appear to be less frustrated than he was while enduring months of “hand holding sex” with his betrothed.

The second thing I noticed is that Jennifer Bob and Johanna Bob are toddling around in cute normal baby clothes, which makes me wonder, “at what age does a Duggar-Bob begin to dress like a polygamist?”

The family vote commences, and Joshua-Bob’s suggestion is Juanita. Again, he’s clearly partaken of his daily tater tot casserole serving today. Also, the youngest Duggar-Bob boy is seated at his mother’s feet, and I’m immediately concerned for his well-being. One sneeze, and they’re renaming this special to “and baby makes 17 again”

Jinger -Bob eye rolling count: 1

After a heartwarming scene that includes campaign signs and a “stuffing the ballot” statement that is just SCREAMING euphemism to me, Michelle-Bob goes to count the votes. She seems to be having difficulty with this task, which not only makes me concern for her ability to keep track of her growing brood, but also does explain the “Lost in NY” moment from earlier this season.

Keep Your Pants Buttoned, and Unnecessary Explanations

Now it’s time to go visit the hospital. We know this because Jim Bob has utilized the family PA system to call his children to the church van. He then notices that little James-Bob has lost the button on his jeans, and instructs him to keep his zipper up. Wise words to live by, Jim Bob. Perhaps you too should take heed.

Jinger-Bob Eye Rolling count: 4

Anyway, the church van pulls up to Mercy Hospital, and James Bob is still playing with his pants. Couldn’t they have stopped at the Thrift Store and get a new pair?

Jim Bob overly explains how “this is the place where momma will have the baby taken out of her belly” Two thoughts:

a) I’m pretty sure that they’re well educated on these matters already, thus making the explanation totally unnecessary
b) I’m also pretty sure that Jim Bob should have said “This is where we’ll bring momma in a few weeks if she doesn’t sneeze alongside a flat of generic corn in Aldi and lie her in swaddling clothes in a cart she rented for a quarter….”


Pelvic Reassurance, and a Today Show Appearance

Now, we get to meet the OBGYN, Dr Sarver; aka "the sucker we paid enough to deliver this kid and waive any right to malpractice” has apparently agreed to do a “v-back” delivery. Because if you’re over 40 and your plumbing is resting in your pantyhose between your knees, it’s natural that you would want to go ahead and take another risk during delivery.”

I’m struck by the fact that she’s taking great pains to be modest in the ultrasound process, but has invited all of America into the delivery room…hmmmmm Also, according to JimBob, Michelle-Bob has learned to work with her labor, which I find to be a good thing since working against it would pretty much be futile.

The culmination of the office visit is when Dr Malpractice informs the viewer that Michelle has a very strong pelvis. Whew… I was worried about that. Now I will be able to sleep tonight with this knowledge.

The next scene is in the kitchen, where the family are being interviewed by The Today Show. I’ve gotta tell ya, Joshua-Bob annoys me somehow. Every time he’s on camera, I get the feeling that he’s rehearsed his lines 15 times in front of the bathroom mirror. Also, kudos to Meredith Vierra for keeping the eye rolling to a minimum, however the same cannot be said to Jinger Bob, whose count is up to 6.

Baby Shopping, and a Mini-Soapbox:

Personal note: I have been in this store they are shopping. This is NOT a discount outlet. I was not alone in the room in wondering how they can do a show on how thrifty they are one week, and 3 weeks later spend 45.00 on a onsie?! Seriously, JingerBob and JessaBob are slaving away making homemade soap, while Jana Bob is perming her sisters’ hair for hours on end, but they walk away with a baby fur coat, matching hat, and boots. Something’s not right here. Thank you TLC.

Jim Bob says shopping wears him out. It makes his legs and feet hurt, In fact, he’s just done in 15 min. It’s really difficult to stand there and participate in that. Well, guess what Jim Bob?! I’m pretty sure that in the 13 years of her life she’s been pregnant, her legs and feet hurt, and she’d also like that little watermelon to be delivered in 15 min, but it just doesn’t happen. I’m also pretty sure that after 13 years, it might be difficult for Michelle Bob to “participate” in other activities in the marriage bed, but she continues without complaint, AND still home-schools the other Duggar-Bobs, makes you tater-tot casserole, and maintains the Cabbage Patch Kids bangs to perfection. So grab a rocking chair, hand over the wallet, and hush because we all know you’re not really paying for this junk.

Jim Bob then takes my advice, and notices the youngest Duggar-Bobs rockin out to music on children’s toys. (Seriously, we’re talking fisher price here) when Jim Bob starts to explain how they limit music choices because music can start to control you. I’m not kidding. Is anyone else alarmed that this man was once a State Representative??

Child-birth classes, and God’s Better Ideas…

Does anyone else find it odd that after number 18 they STILL attend birthing classes? I’m pretty sure that by this point numbers 10-17 have left directions on how to head out the fastest. Actually, I’m kind of picturing the Duggar womb (yeah sorry) as a sort of time capsule with graffiti. Maybe there’s a little bit of “take a left just before the scar tissue” and a little “Jedidiah-Bob was here” on the other side.

Anyway, the Duggar Bobs may be overachievers, but it’s clear that the other 2 couples in the room are not as amused. This might have something to do with the fact that the instructor (who is all but wearing her I heart JimBob button) begins the class by saying “wow, you two look round!!” Does this woman have a death wish??

The class begins working on labor positions, one which resembles a bull frog. While I’m comfortable with the other two “round ones” participating, I’m feeling like this is totally a game of Russian roulette with the Duggar Bobs.

Now for the high(low)light of the show, and for my personal maturity level. (I’m gonna have to include my friends who were watching in my living room as well) The instructor starts speaking about cervical softening (yeah I just dry heaved typing that one!) which totally peaks Jim Bob’s attention. She is trying to be discreet, but he just won’t let it go. The conversation culminates in her explaining that this is an incredible tool from God that means “incredible sex during pregnancy,” and is one of “god’s better ideas.” She instructs them to have fun, to which Jim Bob responds “BLESS GOD!” Yeah, we backed up the DVR for that one.

Happy Birthday Jordyn-Grace (deep breath) Mikaya-Bob Duggar!
The last 5 minutes of the show cover the actual birth of number 18. We see Michelle-bob packing AND calling the hospital, and Jim Bob tying his shoes. Yeah, his legs probably hurt a little, which is I’m sure difficult for him to endure. Oh and Grandma Duggar has made him breakfast, because he’s clearly the important one today.

Michelle calls the Dr’s office and says “I THINK I am in labor…” you THINK?! Yeah, um at this point you should know.

Jinger Bob eye rolling count: 10. She’s so over this now…

Good News: the baby is transverse, which for all of my fellow childless wonders out there means that she’s sideways. I actually knew this already because around July of every year, my mother reminds me that I too was transverse, but not delivered via C-section. As if reading my mind, I received a text from my dear mother that said “YOU were transverse!!!!” Seriously mom, it’s been 28 years… build a bridge.

After an annoying stint of JimBob and the camera in Michelle Bob’s face, Jordyn Grace Mikaya Bob is born. Note to Jim-bob: if you have to take a recovery breath before finishing your child’s name, you’ve officially got too many syllables. Please keep this in mind before naming number 19.

For the two of you who are left, congrats, and thanks for the perseverance. Now I’m off to sleep, where I’ll try to think of ways to rescue JingerBob from the cult before her eyeballs roll out of her head. If that doesn’t work, I’ll just set the DVR to record Celebrity Rehab: 2015, because I figure that’s when Jinger-Bob will make her debut. Jeff Conaway will be gone by then, and Dr Drew will be ready for a real challenge.

Good Night Jim Bob, looking forward to the Joshua-bob-gets-married episode!

Of Prairie Clothing and Paintball Guns....

We all knew it had to happen eventually. After almost exactly 4 months of hiding I have finally returned to the blogosphere. More on my absence later but tonight we have more pressing and important issues to discuss....the thing which tore me away from studying and homework…. The thing which made me realize that for once I had far too much to say and there MIGHT just be a few people gullible enough to read it. What is this thing you ask? Drumroll please…..
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17 Kids and Counting

If you know anything at all about me, you know that among my many, many, minor obsessions lies my obsession with the Duggar family in Springdale. Just to fill you in, they have 17 children and are pregnant with number 18. Dad (Jim Bob) was a State Representative for a bit and Mom (Michelle Bob… not really but you laughed so it was worth it) raise their children, home school their children, etc all in the great state of Arkansas (insert stereotype here). Oh and just for kicks they named ALL 18 children with “J” names. I won’t list them all here, but you should know that there is also a Jinger (pronounced to most like Ginger, but I call her Jinger-Bob) and it took them all the way to number 17 to find a Jennifer, which I found to be quite hilarious.

Anyhoo… For a few years now TLC has produced several hour long specials about this family, and now they’ve seen it fit to bless us with 30 min weekly glimpses into the Duggar life. Consequently, I’m crazy excited and cannot stop talking about this. Seriously. I’m not kidding. I feel that I need to share my observations with the public-at-large, not because I think you want to read this, but more because I know that I will pretty much explode if I don’t get to share my thoughts. Translation: I’m single and living alone, and you get to listen to me because of it. Lucky you.

So last week focused on the Duggar value of “courtship” instead of dating. Joshua-bob (the oldest) has found his true love at a homeschool convention in Texas, and he’s flying to a Gator Restaurant in Florida (for real) to ask her to marry him. Here’s the catch: they cannot kiss until their wedding day. They also cannot be without chaperone until they are married. Cut to Joshua Bob popping the question which culminated in an akward side hug. The two like-birds (because love-birds would be far too carnal) then spent the remaining part of their time together (they traveled to AR too with her sisters in tow as chaperones) holding hands with such vigor that I’m pretty sure they removed skin from each other’s thumbs. During the course of this episode we also learned that Jim Bob and Michelle Bob (well I guess at the time she was just Michelle) went “too far” and kissed before marriage. I think I missed the next five minutes of the show just because I was shocked and in total disillusionment. Luckily I recovered to see the like-birds pick chaperones for their date (Jana-Bob and one other J-boy-bob took the responsibility from Jinger-bob because they had to be 18 to see the movie they were going to. Poor Jinger Bob. She always gets the short end of the stick… including laundry duty for 19 people.) OH and don’t think the irony wasn’t lost on me that they can’t kiss before marriage but they CAN go see an R-rated film. What’s gonna happen if they SEE unmarried people kissing? On second thought, I’m glad Jinger-bob doesn’t have to endure this pain.

Cut to this week in which the Duggar-Bobs welcomed the Bates-Bobs to Springdale for a visit. The Bates-Bobs have 16 children and choose to dress their blessings like children of a polygamy cult, only brighter. They’re also apparently here for 2 weeks, which I found odd and horrifying until I realized that it would most likely take that long for the Bates Bobs to unload, shower, change and repack the church buses for the journey home. Apparently EVERYthing is bigger in these kinds of families. To spare you brain cells and me carpal tunnel, I’m bulleting the rest of this week’s episode:

• The Duggars have a tour bus. Seriously. I’m resisting the urge to paint it like the Partridge Family Bus. They already play instruments, and Branson is 2 hours away. I’m sensing an entertainment opportunity here, and I’m gonna have to ask for 20% of the profits.

• Grandpa-bob Duggar doesn’t want anymore grandbabies. Let’s hope he has some real influence here. I for one don’t wanna be the unfortunate passerby in wal-mart when Michelle-bob sneezes and unfortunate medical mishaps follow. (fill in the blank for yourselves… even I can’t type that)


• Cousin Amy-bob is my favorite. She’s been in every episode thus far, and she proceeds to say on camera what everyone watching the show is thinking out loud. Furthermore, she parades around with her short hair and tank tops with a puppy who is better accessorized than all Duggar bob girls combined. I’m pretty sure she’s forced to wear a scarlet A or something at Duggar family events.

• The Duggar-bobs and Bates-bobs (with cousin amy-bob in tow) head to Branson to Silver Dollar City. Upon arrival, the Bates-Bobs realized that they’re dressed almost identically to the SDC cast members. How embarrassing. Thank god for the generic KEDS or they might have lost one or two.


• Cousin Amy-bob reminds the viewers at least 7 times that her ipod is her best friend because her cousins sing hymns in the car. She also asks the filming crew for prayers. I just love her.

• Paintball: because 33 children who know they can barely look at the opposite sex without tightening the lock on the chastity belt have no pent up frustrations at all and CLEARLY need guns.

• The Duggar Bobs go skydiving, and their instructor’s thick accent rivals that of the Governator. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I would think that understanding the instruction prior to jumping out of the plane is paramount. Also, while demonstrating the tandem techniques with Jim-Bob I’m pretty sure he violated some rules of courtship. (sorry mom)

• Note to Amy-bob: check the parachute again! This might just be the perfect time for cousin Jim bob to “cleanse” his family of all hoochiness if you know what I mean.

• Jim Bob takes his last few pre-jump moments to kiss Michelle-bob (and provoke envy in his male children who cant do the same). He also contemplates the likelihood of creating Duggar-bob #19 just in case he doesn’t make it. (PS he looks seriously green in the plane….quite entertaining)

Luckily, all 72 Duggar bobs survived the experience and will likely resurface next week. And for the 2 of you still with me after this novel, I’ll leave you with the image of both families (33 children, 4 parents, one unclean cousin and 2 fetuses) sitting in the living room singing Amazing Grace while TLC inserts slow-motion clips of skydiving, Silver Dollar City and Paintball wars. Life is good.

Good night Jim Bob!

Emptying the DVR: The Next Food Network Star

So I've been absent lately. It turns out there actually CAN be life outside of the internet! Go Figure! :) Anyway, I've had this whole "welcome me back" blog that I was going to post tonight, but the storms and BIBLICAL rains have prevented me from getting the pics off of my camera phone. Trust me, you're gonna need illustrations for this one. Stay Tuned people. So instead, I started emptying the DVR tonight, and other than the fact that I got sucked into the TV Land awards (which will require another blog for itself entirely!) the highlight on this stormy evening was "The Next Food Network Star."

This is one of those shows that I keep on the back-burner of the DVR just in case I have a lull in my viewing. Thank God for that since tonight called for such an occasion. After all, one can only watch the parade of animals in pairs down her street for so long before the stinch gets annoying.

First, Some introductions:

Meet Jennifer, she's a mom from Woonsocket, RI and she just plain annoys me in the way that only someone from a place called "woonsocket" could. Her schtick is fun family friendly foods, and quite frankly I'm baffled as to how her child has survived thus far. Tonight she made grilled mashed potato pizza for goodness sakes. Anyway, she's clumsy and she insists on wearing pigtails with a flower in her hair, and for that I hope she leaves soon. Plus, her kid's name is Lyric which is just asking for therapy when she's older. Other than the mashed potato grilled nasty she made, she doesn't do much. I just felt the need to vent about the pigtail thing. Seriously, listen people. Unless you're a) a 14-year-old girl b) dressed up for halloween (this one is marginal) or c) on a wendy's cup... DONT wear pigtails. PLEASE. Ok i feel better now. Back to the bloggage..

Next is Adam, but until this week I called him raw foods. By that, I don't mean in a trendy Demi Moore kind of way, I mean in an "I don't know how to fully cook an egg" kind of way. Tonight he kind of redeemed himself with his cheese fries, but honestly, do we REALLY want our next food network star to ONLY be able to cook CHEESE FRIES?? I think not....Plus, these weren't even like loaded cheese fries. These were potatoes fried and topped with cheese. No bacon, no green onions, no ranch dressing. Just cheese! I give him a couple of weeks, max.


Now we're to Shane whom I'm bound to dislike simply by virtue of his first name alone. Let's just say I have a history with that one. Anyway, I find him kind of creepy somehow, probably because he's so quiet. Also, he's incredibly pale which makes me think he's been living in some sort of molester van stalking play grounds or something. He's not stellar, but more on him in a bit.

And then there's Lisa who has total Suri Cruise hair and completely loses her eyes when she smiles or even speaks. Also, she uses enough bronzer for all of Brad and Angelina's children. Seriously, I've never seen someone bronze her face so that it LOOKS like she wore sunglasses in the tanning bed....until her. Anyway, she's actually pretty good, but she's one of those crazy perfect people who probably folds napkins and does flower arranging in her sleep, so I fear her.

Now for the most psycho of them all..... Kelsey aka the over achiever. I cannot convey to you how flippin perky this chick is, and that's not at all a good thing. This girl is TEENY and I swear she has a coordinating headband for every outfit. Fashion aside, every single word that comes out of her mouth has seemingly been rehearsed in her bathroom mirror with her round brush each evening. On top of that, she just gives off that psycho sorority vibe that just screams "I'm your best friend, but if you borrow my clothes without my permission, I'll cut you in a heartbeat." Anyway, if this photo doesn't make you barf, 5 min of her phony will. So for those of you who overate this weekend, may I suggest that you DVR this chick ASAP. Five min of that and you'll be on the Mary-Kate Olsen diet plan soon.


I swear I'm getting to a point here people. In light of the fact that our last two finalists seem to be the picture of perfection, imagine the hilarity that ensues when it is revealed that the guest judge for the week is....

Martha Stewart (yes, I know that the pic is outdated, but i love it. Seriously, only Martha could go for an extended stay in the Pokey and come out a fashionplate, especially in light of the fact that we all know she only knitted it to cover up the freshman 25 she put on in the slammer...)
OK, side note here. I LOVE me some Martha. Not quite in the way that i love Oprah, but close. The main thing I love about her is the cold controlling personna that she tries desperately to hide beneath the perfection. I especially like it when she loses control. (like the time when she'd totally met her match with Ted Turner and he refused to make bison burgers on air...FABULOUS) Anyway, she somehow gained the authority to tell people EXACTLY what she thinks about things in front of a live studio audience and a million television viewers. I just love it. But I digress,....


Anyway, the big challenge for the contestants tonight is to create and market a food product for 50 high-end food buyers. SO the contestants scramble through the chelsea market to find the perfect ingredients and start to create. They work feverishly and show up the next morning scrubbed, polished and ready to market to the buyers. All is ok so far, Mr. too-quiet is stumbling over his words and regretting naming his sauce "cherrie-gac," Suri Cruise no eyes is killing the buyers with her professionalism and Lil Miss Over Achiever is serving.......... SLOPPY JOES. Yes, her years of culinary school and instructing in such institutions has lead her to this very point. She's serving SLOPPY JOES on national television. I'm sure her creme freche professor is just beaming right now.

Then comes the big reveal that Martha is the guest judge. While the majority of the contestants are keeping their respective cools, Suri no eyes and Miss Over Achiever have both peed respective puddles from the excitement. No eyes ways so overjoyed that I thought her bronzer was going to leap from her face and do a happy dance beside the jars of orange marmalade on her table. It is at this point that the Perky headband wonder is struck with a sick sad reality: she is serving SLOPPY JOES to MARTHA STEWART! I gotta tell you, the shock and shear disappointment on her face make me giggle... A lot. This is the thing that one who is the perpetual chubby girl kind of dreams of... when the perfect tiny girl begins to crash. Sorry, it's not pretty but it's the truth. Ask around.

Anyway, the judging begins. First is Mr Creepy Mc too quiet, whom i'm pretty sure is secretly doing the happy dance over the whole Martha Stewart thing too. She takes a partial bite and immediately says "You REALLY need salt you know." Just like that, she has defeated him. Martha 1, Finalists, 0. It is then that he cowers back to the corner and dreams of happier days in the ice cream truck.

In the interest of time, I'm just gonna tell you that the vast majority of these were either very much the same, with the rare exception. One of which being Lisa, who I swear to you was smiling so big that I'm pretty sure her eyes completely inverted somehow. She serves Martha, all the while gushing about how this is her dream, blah blah blah,....she's stellar nonetheless, and I'm pretty sure her eyes have returned to normal now... maybe.

As you might have guessed, the highlight of the viewing was Martha's judging of Penelope Perkiness. She immediately starts gushing just as Suri No Eyes has, but this time it's just plain annoying and decidedly less effective. Martha wants to get down to business, and inquires to what PP is serving today. She explains that these are "Sloppy JANES" because they're a little bit sweeter than normal sloppy joes which she believes is reflective of her super sweet personality. (her words, not mine... i swear.... barfing yet?) Martha is unamused, and the perky wonder continues to overcompensate for her culinary blunder. STRIKE ONE Martha ignores her and upon inspecting the food asks for a fork. Mortified, PP tells her she doesn't have any, and watches as Martha reaches to a competitor's table for a fork. STRIKE TWO. The situation goes further down the proverbial toilet and ends with Martha discussing the matter with the other judges. She confesses with great emphasis "I just do NOT eat food like that at ALL." STRIKE THREE. Thanks for playing.... I'm pretty sure she can still be found writing in perfect script "I will not serve Martha Stewart sloppy janes" over and over again in her perfect pink journal.

The moral of the story? Sloppy Joes were never a good idea in the school cafeteria. Likewise, they are certainly not a good idea to use when impressing one's iconically perfect idol. Even if said delicacy is given a sugary sweet, vomit inducing name.

Angelic Choruses and Admitting I Have a Problem

I feel the need to clarify something, especially for those of you in Northwest Arkansas. Without a doubt, at approximately 2:00 pm CST on Thursday you heard an alarming loud noise ringing through the air. I've gathered from the speculation that the consensus that it must have been some sort of odd alarm system. It's now my time to clear the air. That "noise" was in fact the magnificent chorus of angels heralding the END of my semester. Yes people, I am officially celebrating summer! That means no more 2am study sessions, no more drowning in a sea of textbooks, and in general the temporary abandonment of things like Ramen noodles and the hermit lifestyle. I MIGHT even have normal brain function returned to me in the near future, which is something I was certain I would never see again. So, let the angels burst forth in song... I'M FINISHED!!!!!

In other news, I've been realizing a lot lately how much I depend on television. I first noticed this during the writers strike. I frequently found myself lost because there was just nothing to watch. I was literally disappointed when my DVR was empty. Consequently, I felt this sudden rush of emotion and overwhelming joy when the strike ended and my normal viewership could resume. This week, I experienced similar emotion when I got to sit on my couch and empty the DVR in what would be hours of mindless viewing just because i could. Yes, I know this does not project greatness of me, but the sad fact is that it's true. Because I'm an embarrassingly honest person, I'm blogging this for the world to see. While we're on the subject, if any of the seven of you who read this are pretending to be appalled by my viewing habits, drop the charade now. We all know you're in your respective homes sneaking in as much of "The Soup" as you can just so you can just so that you can follow along with Rock of Love without admitting you're hopelessly addicted to the STD lust-fest. No you're not actually watching it, but you might as well be, so that officially puts you DANGEROUSLY close to my level of sadness and television dependency. To you I say face it, own it, and be honest about it. It's a much happier lifestyle.

In honor of my new (or not) confession, I'm listing the signs that television has bizarrely influenced my life. It's not gonna be pretty, but it's necessary to complete my 12 steps. Enjoy:


As a child, my dreams were not to be a princess, but rather to be Laura Ingalls Wilder. Yes, I ACTUALLY dreamed of wearing prairie clothes like the polygamist cult women! (of course, without the stylish clogs and the unibrow... i couldn't bring myself to dream THAT big) I have vivid memories of me and my friend Mary sitting at the table taking corn nibblets and sticking them on our teeth to make buck teeth like Laura's. Plus, I just knew that if my teeth and prairie dress were right, I would have Almonzo all to myself. That feathered hair was just plain hott.


I know ALL of the lyrics to an alarming number of television theme songs.


I pride myself on the knowledge of obscure facts about my favorite shows. In addition, I'm quite competitive with acquaintances who want to challenge said knowledge.


When Nick at Nite came to the Shaddock household, I spent a great deal of my time watching Dick Van Dyke, Mary Tyler Moore, Bob Newhart, etc.....I was 12-ish at the time.


I once asked my grandmother to make me some new dresses. When she asked me what I wanted them to look like, I told her to watch Donna Reed. I wanted dresses like Mary's. I personally thought they would complement the mullet nicely.


I've said this one before, but when i was really young, I loved "The Brady Bunch." This would have been fine except that a) I had NO idea that these were episodes airing WELL into syndication, and b) This fact not only made my crush on Greg Brady completely unreasonable, but also extremely sick since he was my father's age.


I have a very well thought list of the best series finale's ever.... and I have lengthy arguments and descriptions ready at will in case someone decides to argue with me.


I feel that because I have been an avid viewer for a number of years, Oprah and I are buds. Consequently I feel like I have the right to comment freely on her personally and professionally. I'm also still reeling from the fact that I didn't get my invitation to the Legends Ball or ANY of her "favorite things" shows.


Sometimes (and not OFTEN) I hear a song on the radio and think it should be my "driving to work" background music.... I also think about what my theme song would be for the hypothetical sitcom that is my life.


I know what time it is by the show that is on while i'm working, etc.... even if it's just for background noise,


I joined my gym based on the fact that there was a flat screen television on EACH cardio machine. This way I can work out without compromising my television viewing at all.


I went back to my old job to say hi to my former co-workers. Approximately 85% of them followed the "Hi Amber" with "So... what do you think about LOST?" Apparently I made an impression.


Yes, there are a number of more examples, but I'm tired, and I'm going to bed. In case you were wondering, yes, I will watch a little TV before i fall asleep. C

Oprah and Tom: Just hangin' at the lodge like normal people

So if you know anything about me at all, you know I love Oprah. I know that if I ever met her, I would turn into a blubbering mess of babble and giggles. I would also forever regret the fact that in the very moment in which I met her, any familiarity with the human language escaped me. But I digress….


I love Oprah, but I’m quite realistic about her. 20 years later, I still feel a TEENY bit offended when she feels the need to educate us white people about the things black people do, and I’m still amused when she is fascinated by the simplest of things (i.e. the way to check herself in at a hotel on her road trip) and the fact that somehow along the way to billionaire-dom, she lost nearly every ounce of common sense she had when she was a morning show host in Baltimore with a bad perm.


She also loves to name drop… and in the tradition of the 50th birthday, Legends ball, and Julia Roberts/George Clooney episodes, this displayed premium name-droppery. Today, we find Oprah hanging out at Telluride with Tom just chatting it up like normal people. I watched, and felt the need to share my random thoughts with ya…



In what is a hideously staged greeting, Oprah pulls up in the driveway as Tom and Stepford-Kate walk out on the front porch. I’m immediately struck by the fact that from this angle, it looks like Tom is taller than Katie. (or at least, he wore the shoes with the lifts in them and Katie wore the ballet flats. The three great each other in strangely hushed voices that instantly make me think of the rumored “silent births” in the Scientology realm.



Katie is directed out of the house as Oprah changes into her Scientology slippers that Tom has waiting for her. Katie delivers her “I love you” line perfectly as she exits stage left. Then comes the mini tour of the Telluride estate, which I’m sure I found more entertaining than I should have.



Tom first shows off “Suri’s office,” which is pretty much a glorified cage under the stairway. You think I’m kidding. It’s something that I would have kept my Cocker Spaniel in years ago. By “office” I’m assuming that he means this is where she’s kept when she starts displaying signs of independence or the slightest sign of being “glib.” I’m sure that Katie too has an “office,” but judging from her fast exit in the mudroom, I’m guessing it’s somewhere on the back of the property.
Tom shows Oprah the kitchen and the cupcakes on the counter. I’m just noticing the roll of “cupcake” through Oprah’s sweater just as she refuses the offer. Apparently she’s back on trainer Bob’s track this week, and I’ve gotta tell ya that’s probably not a bad idea.



The tour continues, and we see the family area. I immediately start wondering which sofa he’ll jump on this time. Also, this is the time on MTV Cribs when they would show you “where the magic happens.” Clearly, we’ll be skipping this portion of the tour. We all know that the only “magic” that happens in this household is when Tom busts out the Judy Garland CDs and ruby slippers. I’m betting he’s seriously perfected Jazz hands by now.



In lieu of the “magic,” Oprah moves on to the leather-bound scripts on the shelf, and we’re treated to a montage of Risky Business. Supposedly, this interview is being done to promote the 25th anniversary of the film, but I’ve got a hunch that this will be the only time during the hour it is mentioned.



Now we get to the meat of the show: the interview where Oprah asks the tough questions. Instead of the play by play, I’ll give ya bullet points with my random thoughts:



• Oprah starts the interview by reminding us that she is on his couch with her shoes off, presumably in another futile effort to reach out to the little people. (as a stereotypical shoeless Arkansan, I totally felt connected to her. I’m currently signing over my paycheck to her Angel Network because of it)


• Tom pretty much blames the repeated “couch jumpery” on Oprah herself. Apparently, she kept encouraging him to do so, and he felt like he should just keep expressing himself that way. At the risk of being “glib,” Oprah refrains from defending herself.


• Oprah: (commenting on the house and the land around it): “This is amazing… Just beautiful! Tom: “This is me.”


• Tom believes that he and Brooke are even closer now through the post partum incident.


• Matt Lauer was pressuring him during the interview, hence the diarrhea of the mouth that followed. (and apparently the tea and crumpets with Brooke as well)


• He really DID buy the sonogram machine… but just so that the Dr could come to them, and they could avoid the hassle of public life. Cry me a river because a) you HAVE the money to buy the stupid machine and b) because you feel that the career you’ve chosen, interviews you’ve given, and couches you’ve jumped on have made you a target. Guess what? It’s all you bubba… you’ll excuse me if I don’t grab a tissue.


• It looks like Tom’s been skiing a lot at Telluride, but I’m not so sure it’s not just blush on his cheeks...still trying to decide on that one.


• Oprah is now speaking normally, but Tom still has the Scientology hush thing going on...It’s starting to annoy me.


• Oprah asks about Nicole, apparently their relationship is good. (I know you were worried) THEN Oprah proves that she’s even further out of touch with reality when she asks if there’s ever a time when they’re ALL together at once (meaning him, Katie, Nicole, Keith…. EVERYONE) For once, Tom almost shows human emotion when he says “No.” Seriously, how many divorced people do YOU know who still schedule joint family events? I for one am QUITE content to keep my ex outside of a 20-mile radius.


• Tom’s best friends were always his mom and sisters. One of them should give him lessons on how to apply makeup. I’m leaning more and more toward the blush idea…


• Oprah has now moved to the opposite end of the couch, presumably in preparation for him to get excited and jump around again.


• Has he been misunderstood in the last three years? Yes, definitely (bet you didn’t see that one coming! I know it blew me right out of the water…)



Then comes my favorite part of the show, when the two take a snowmobile ride to Tom’s favorite place. Predictably (or not, I had my hopes set on some sort of Scientology dungeon… but I’m a bit of a pessimist that way) it’s a point on the property where you can see the mountain range. Yes it’s beautiful, peaceful, blah blah blah… My favorite part was actually before the journey when Oprah decides that she’s riding with Tom. If you’ll remember the Oprah/Gayle road trip last summer, you’ll agree that this was a better choice. She doesn’t do well with operating “common” machinery. But I digress… Tom clearly had not planned on this happening, and it was very evident on his face. Oprah then flops herself on the back of the snowmobile, and we see again why she’s taken herself off of cupcakes for a while. Tom wedges in between the line-o-cupcakes and then they take off. Cut to the “action shot” where the vehicle is TRUDGING through the snow…and I mean TRUDGING. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep, but I giggled… a lot.

Ironically, it was THEN that I felt she was relatable! Go figure…

Mean Girls: An Extremely Lengthy Open Letter

Girls are evil. There has never been any doubt in my mind about this. Since my earliest days of kindergarten when girls on the playground would say stupid things about other girls just because they didn't have the right bow in their hair, I've understood this. Sadly, as females this seems to be somehow embedded in our DNA. I have yet to witness a girl, be it child or adult who is exempt from this hideous genetic trait. It is for this reason (coupled with the thought of a watermelon springing forth from my loins...yes, I just typed loins) that the thought of having children terrifies me. The way I see it, I will either a) have a daughter who at some point and time is bound to become this being who can switch from "sugar and spice" to "venom and viciousness" in 2.7 seconds or b) I'll have a son whom at one time will fall in love with the little girl from the exorcist, and I'll be forever mending broken hearts for the rest of my life. Add in the watermelon factor, and my "single and childless" status is looking more and more promising! :)

I was once again reminded of this when I was informed that I've become quite the topic of conversation in one of my circles, and not in the "spotlight" way that makes me happy. Instead it has been catty, uninformed and unnecessary speculation about my personal life and more specifically my finances. Why these people seem to think this is ANY of their concern, I'll never know, and I'm even more clueless as to what makes them think that their judgement of me is in any way appropriate. Regardless, their speculation and subsequent conclusion that my "dependence on daddy" is the reason for my success in life is not only grossly incorrect, but just plain rude. I could ALMOST justify their comments if I were a horrible witch to them, but I'm not. In fact, I am quite the opposite with these people. I actually care about them, and I do my best to show this every day.

I am so frustrated and upset right now, that I can't even mold my emotions into words and phrases. A good friend of mine wrote about a similar experience recently... a co-worker who rushed to judgement about him. The phrase he kept repeating is "you don't know me." How true this is. In my loss for words, I'm borrowing his. The fact is, regardless of how long these people have been ACQUAINTED with me, (a mere 8 months) they do not KNOW me, and yet they think they need to make assumptions about my character, and the content of my life. It's silly, isn't it?

So in the interest of getting to know one another, here are the things you should know. You choose to make assumptions about me, therefore I'm choosing to inform you. Yes, I could stoop to your level and fight back in stereotypical playground fashion, but that is not me. Instead of attacking you in the manner you have attacked me, I'm choosing to inform you.

Just so you know, THIS is Amber:

I am a strong, confident woman who is PROUD of who she has become. Yes, there have been times in the past when my personality was less than stellar. During this era of my life, I was tragically unaware of the things best achieved by hard work and dedication. I will be the first to admit this. However, you do not know this "Amber," because I am very proud to say she no longer exists. The Amber you think you know, or could have known is much wiser now, and discerning around people who have many cheap words but little time to listen or observe.

I am a determined individual who agonized and budgeted for quite some time before I decided to uproot my life in the way I have. I did not take this decision lightly in anyway, and I will not sit back and wait on a hand out from ANYONE in order to follow through with my choices.

On the same note, I am a girl who is grateful beyond explanation for her family who have provided more than the hand out you described so cattily. Their unconditional love and support has sustained me for 28 sometimes tumultuous years... and have helped me become the woman I am. "Grateful" is far too shallow a word to describe my deep appreciation for them. How DARE you even approach that relationship with your gossip and hate.

I am the one who has been humbled far more than I could have imagined, or would wish on my worst enemy. Yes, I do know what it means to LITERALLY only have 40.00 to my name, no source of income, and a wealth of betrayal and loss to cope with, but I still count myself among the most fortunate of people on this planet because of this experience. Consequently, I am overwhelmed with appreciation for each and every day I am given and every single gift with which I am blessed.

I am not the shallow individual you would like me to be to make you feel better about yourself. In fact, there are depths to me that you will never know now because of your judgement. You see, I'm also an excellent "wall-builder" to separate myself from those whom I cannot trust, and you are now placed in that realm.

Yes, I am all of these things, and so much more. You wouldn't know that though, you just glanced at the surface: the "things" that you didn't have and chose to assume things about me instead of just asking or God forbid, being a friend.

Because of your assumptions, I am disappointed... that I've once again misinterpreted friendship.

I'm frustrated... that once again I find myself with this overwhelming need to justify and define myself to those who misrepresent me to anyone who would listen.

I'm angry... that you found it appropriate to degrade me in any way at all, but especially by attacking the thing that I hold the most dear: my character. I'm angry that I've let your pettiness and rudeness bother me so, and that I've devoted so much of my evening being upset about the situation. I'm angry that in your lack of entertainment, you attacked the people I love most just to make yourselves feel better about the lives you live.

I'm also guilty of being this mean girl. I do my very best to not be her anymore, but I have been in the past... and it is part of the "Amber" that thankfully does not exist. No, I am not innocent in anyway at all, but I am absolutely conscious of it's existence, and I work every single day fight the "mean girl" mentality. For those whom I have judged unfairly, I sincerely apologize.

It's sad really, there are so many more interesting things in this world to speak about. Our country is at war, we are in the midst of the most interesting Presidential race in years, gas prices are sky-rocketing, and people are negotiating gas vs. groceries on a daily basis. LOST is back on television for goodness sakes! Yet with all the controversy around us, we still sometimes find the need to create our own controversy and drama. I don't understand this at all. Grab a newspaper, do a crossword puzzle, read a book, get cable, or even take some time to sit and bask in the little things in life. Take the time to appreciate the proverbial "little things," just don't tear other people down because of your lack of entertainment.

Yes I am all of these things and so much more.... and now I'm done with you.