Tug of War: Regaining Control, and Relinquishing the Reigns

So it's probably not necessary to explain that I've been on a blog hiatus lately... for 7 months to be exact. To be honest, my life was just so incredibly hectic that I barely had time to breathe, much less blog. So naturally, I didn't. Ironically, I probably should have... I find the whole "bear your soul to the world" thing to be quite therapeutic in an odd sense. Regardless of how many journals I've kept in spite of the hectic pace of my life, it's just not the same. Maybe Mom was right, and I really DO need to be the center of attention all the time... haha. Anyhoo, I'm back. I have a huge break before my next school session starts, and I can't tell you how happy that makes me! I've been at this for a while, and I don't know when I've actually, truly NEEDED a break like I did this summer. Seriously, ask my family and they'll validate!

I've been thinking a lot over the last few weeks over the idea that God is my Provider, and how the meaning of that has evolved over the years. I'm ashamed to say that I never understood the meaning of "trusting God" until my divorce, when I was faced with situations I couldn't handle. Because of my finances, my provisional focus was monetary. God did provide in more ways than I can express. But what I didn't realize was that he was providing in so many more ways. My focus was so narrow at the time that I couldn't see it. Yes, I experienced a number of miracles financially but he also provided the comfort I needed, the peace I never imagined I could have, and strength beyond any of my own capabilities. Because of his provision, I not only survived the trial, but my life has thrived since then and throughout it.

I've said this a number of times before, but it bears repeating. Once you've been blindsided by a situation as I was, you go into this odd sense of survival mode...or at least, I did. Because I was so tragically unprepared for the worst in that situation, I wanted to make sure that I was prepared for everything. I became obsessed with controlling every detail of my life. I cannot tell you how many planners I've owned, how many calendars I live by, and how many lists I write before I make a decision. I'm always thinking about my future, and mentally preparing for what could or couldn't happen. All at once, it seems like the most logical and the most frustrating thing I do in my life. Over the years, I've noticed that this quest for control has grown greater and lesser depending on the situations that surround me. Sometimes it's easier to stop, and others it's not so easy. Regardless, it's something I'm conscious of, and wish I didn't do.

When I really start to think about it, it bothers me that this one event still has an effect on my life. I've worked hard to make sure that it in no way defined me, but it would've been impossible to prevent it from affecting me. I am above all things, most grateful for the disguised blessing of this trial, and the woman God has allowed me to be through it. I know that although unexpected and heart wrenching at the time, I wouldn't be half the person I am if it hadn't happened. I don't regret a single decision I made that led me to that point. I truly believe that the blessings outweigh the proverbial curse here. I just never thought I would still be giving it much thought this much later.

I find it frustrating that God has to teach me the same lessons over and over again. I'm also grateful that God is much more patient with me than I could ever be with anyone else. Seven years later, I'm still trying to plan, prevent and protect myself from the inevitable worst, and seven years later I still have to be reminded that even my best plans are nothing compared to the amazing things God has in store for me. No amount of worrying, scheduling, and budgeting will make God's plans for me unfold or culminate any faster than they would without my "help." Nothing I can say or do will change those plans either. You would think I'd learn that by now, but it seems a reminder is necessary. I have to remember that God has never stopped being my provider. Even though my circumstances have changed and improved drastically since those months during my divorce, I still need him just as much as I did then, only in a different manner. Just as he provided for me financially when I literally had nothing, he's there for me affectively today. When my strength dwindles, he is there to sustain me. When my worried mind keeps me up at night, he is my peace. When I am sad or lonely, he provides the most amazing people in my life to make me laugh and to give me the privilege of friendship. When I feel unloveable, he surrounds me with unconditional love that I cannot even fathom. He is now, and has always been my constant. I just have to learn to be more willing to trust that. Major work-in-progress here... Did I mention that I'm not a patient girl?


~Amber